Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Randomize
