PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
