we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
