He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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