well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
