My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
