Umm I'm too high to move.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This is classic penis vs brain.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize