I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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