We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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