Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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