so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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