I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
