DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize