She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
