Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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