I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
