I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
