I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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