He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
