Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
