My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
