why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
