Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
