White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
