My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
