he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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