dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
