Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
