I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
