The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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