I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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