you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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