I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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