I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
