She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
