John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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