I need help removing her.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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