i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
