Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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