Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
they need to just BURY HIM!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
