Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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