my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wish my penis had a tongue
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
