Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
