if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
