apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
