I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
