just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
