I haven't been this sober since birth.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
