Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I think your dad took our porno
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
