I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize