He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I did not marry a roomba.
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