I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
