Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
