I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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