Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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