oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I need to sanitize my soul.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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