Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
