Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
