no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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