I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
