oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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