i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
