Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
