now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
